Malaysia Scores (well, Perhentian Islands anyway)

Beaches: 9.5/10. Beautiful white powdery sand with crystal clear water. Takes over from Nacula Island, Fiji, as most beautiful island in the world. So far.

Wildlife. 7.5/10. Walking across the islands tropical jungle interior you will see: monkeys, giant monitor lizards, snakes, enormous snails, squirrels (on a tropical island!?), amazing birds that talk back, vampire bats, and other great stuff.

Diving: 7/10. 31-degree water with lots of great fishies: Sharks, turtles, rays, and aggressive little Nimos that give attitude.

Club: -2/10. No bacon, no chicken, no lettuce, no tomato, no cheese, no egg, no mayo, no fries, no triple decker toasted bread cut into quarters held together with tooth picks. In fact, no Club Sandwich. Culinary Neanderthals. They make an awesome Malay fried rice and noodle curry though.

Alcohol. 1/10. What is it with Islam and alcohol? You can actually get it here but you have to guess which shop is hiding it under the counter. Come on Muslims, alcohol doesn’t make people do silly things. Just go to a Christmas party, Christian wedding, New Years Eve party, Melbourne Cup Day parking lot, Schoolies week on the Gold Coast, or Katherine on a Thursday afternoon. Normal people doing normal things. Well, actually, maybe they have something.